For years now, I’ve been consciously trying to shift out of self-judgement and into self-compassion. Something I used to judge myself for, and sometimes still do, is how productive my day has been.
So you can imagine my surprise when a profound realization around this happened….while on the toilet.
Let’s get into it!
Self-Judgement Around Productivity
I was feeling a tinge of worried curiosity.
Why?
Because I had experiences to write about, yet I wasn’t putting pen to paper. Or rather fingers to keys.
As I repeatedly felt a slight pressure to write something, I simply noticed it and the feelings around it.
I’ve learned that if it’s not flowing, don’t force it and trust in the timing.
Though, an old aspect of me wondered if I was avoiding it and thought maybe I should just try.
I wasn’t able to recognize that not forcing myself to write, was me “doing the work”.
But that became oh so clear when something massively shifted. Like writing 5 blog posts before noon shifted. For anyone in comparison mode, they were rough first drafts, not polished and ready to go.
But it only happened after a bang…literally.
I had a very strange day yesterday, which I will share here after its posted because it brought with it an empowered realization.
The bang I speak of was a large tree taking out a power line near my house and blocking the road.
Even after sharing my day with my mom, she said, this was all today?
Yet in the evening, I found myself asking, what did I even do today?
I found myself moving into “old brain” mentality.
Why?
Because I didn’t “produce any deliverables”.
And I judged myself for it.
Thankfully, not for long…
Non-Linear Synchronicities
This may feel like a non-linear tangent, but what I’m about to share next is proof of the interconnected magic that is available to us.
Why?
Because I wrote a poem exactly about this that very morning.
It goes a little something like this….
If you find yourself in an old pattern,
Perhaps its there to teach you
To remind you
To support you
Rather than push it away or shame yourself
Can you thank it for showing up
And offer it a seat at the table
Not to engage it it
But to show you why it’s there.
To show you how far you’ve come
To reflect back deeper layers, still in need of healing
Representing your own growth and capacity to go deeper
To heal beyond the point in which you believed you could.
Friends, it’s only in writing this that I realized that seed was planted in the morning, only to be harvested in the evening. To be fair, I had a similar experience the night before revisting an old trauma, which you can check out here. I’ll also link it at the end.
Let’s circle back, pun intended, to the toilet to see how I shifted out of judgement and into compassionate curiosity.
Here’s what I did.
I noticed the thought and the judgement of it almost simultaneously and immediately got curious. I’m at the point where this feels usually instantaneous. There isn’t any heavy lifting and I’ll explain the neurobiology of this in a moment.
I wondered…
Why was this “old brain” thought seemingly popping up out of nowhere?
That right there shifted me out of self-judgement. Just simply asking the question.
And in that moment of getting curious, guidance poured out.
What if we stopped quantifying our days by how much we did?
What if we started qualifying our days by how we felt?
What if we didn’t quantify or qualify our days, and simply allowed them to be.
Organic Productivity
As I sat with this guidance, I realized some very interesting “outcomes” that may arise organically from this process. Productivity loves an outcome, right?
Let’s reframe outcomes through a new paradigm.
We move out of self-judgment
How often do you judge yourself based on your day? And by what or by whose metric do you use to judge?
Take a moment and notice for yourself if this is something you’re working with.
Because society has set up measuring sticks for what a productive day looks like. And like most societal standards, it doesn’t work for everyone.
Case in point….
Many people say to make the most out of every day.
It’s a beautiful mantra. And like most things, it needs to be individualized and flexible day to day.
When I was struggling with depression and felt I was “wasting my days”, it made everything worse. I had to learn that having showered could be a successful day. Not going back to the liquor store for round two was a success. Not using behaviors was a success. Flushing the toilet was a success.
Thankfully, those are no longer my measuring sticks.
Though, if I’m keeping it real with you… washing my hair still feels like a massive win some days.
So while I appreciate this saying and value it in many ways, I can also see how it can be seen though the lens of fear and scarcity and reinforce people’s wound of not feeling like enough.
What if we take each day as it comes, “doing” what we can when we can and being in acceptance of our physical and energetic bandwidths.
Perhaps in time, making the most of every day is simply about being present, embodied and thus fully experiencing each day to whatever extent possible. Especially the days that may feel quite sh*t.
Experiencing it, while simultaneously in compassionate observation of it.
Thus, we can experience without identifying and shoveling more stuff on the pile of stuff we’ve accumulated over the years.
And…
We shift out of self-judgement and into compassion.
Our experience of time shifts
Speaking of scarcity around time…
Time is no longer about deadlines, hitting goals, aging, or even growth.
Time becomes this background experience that is the container for our experiences. It doesn’t define us or limit us.
We see it as a construct created in the evolution of a society. For context, consider the 40 different calendars used throughout the world today.
You might begin to see how the belief in it both hinders you and supports you. Eventually time no longer rules you because you see it clearly.
By that I mean, its the idea that you are in it, but not of it.
It is in this shifting, that one can also begin to perhaps recognize that you can heal the past and the past does not have to inform the future.
Radical Acceptance
When we allow our days to be as they are, we are in a state of radical acceptance.
It doesn’t mean you roll over and take it or dig your heels deeper into a downward spiral.
It means you accept what is before you. And you are in choice as to how to proceed.
Also knowing that proceeding does not have to mean movement.
In the experience I’m sharing today, pausing and observing with compassionate curiosity was what I needed to proceed.
How to Shift from Self-Judgement to Compassion
You might be wondering “what I did” to shift out of old brain and into this wisdom.
I can’t tell you how in words beyond what I’ve shared here today.
All I know was that I was on the toilet looking out at the night sky and held compassionate curiosity when I recognized that old familiar voice.
With that said, I can explain it in a way that you might not want to hear….because it’s not an easy fix. I learned about it from my work with eating disorders, as well as my yogic studies.
See how its all interconnected?
Building New Neural Pathways
There is a metaphor of a marble on a pile of sand.
It’s very similar to the ancient idea of samskaras, which are “mental grooves” from deep-seated subconscious impressions, habits, or psychological tendencies.
In modern day language, it speaks to building new neural pathways.
Imagine a marble moving down a pile of sand, over and over and over again. It naturally creates a deep groove. The marble will automatically fall into that groove once its established.
Think of this groove as a thought, habit or pattern. This is why they can feel so automatic and hard to break free from.
Friends, for the marble to go in a new direction and build a new groove takes effort. Sustained and continuous effort.
Over time, you build a new groove.
With clients, I liked to use the visual of snow and imagine snow falling and filling in the old grooves. You can also imagine a sandstorm if that speaks to you.
How I Got My Groove Back
So I think over time I’ve built this new groove. Though, this “new” groove feels much older. Ancient even.
Yet, it also feels connected to the old one.
So when I dip into the groove of judgement, I can very easily shift into the new groove of inner wisdom through curiosity and compassion. It’s almost automatic at times, which is pretty cool!
I also find I get physically dinged when I judge others, soooo that helps reinforce the “new” groove.
I wrote about this awhile back, but i’ve noticed it much more lately in real time. I’ll walk into a branch or trip over a root. Nothing crazy and yet I know exactly why.
I hope that explains why I can’t really tell you “what I did”. Though I can point you in the direction of my blogs and now podcast because I’ve been documenting the process through them.
And if you’re curious about the accompanying piece I mentioned earlier. I ended up writing about the expeirence as an intro to this piece, but it became a piece onto its own. It’s about how I found myself in an old pattern of ruminating. Through compassionate curiosity, I realized it was connected to an old trauma and I understood exactly why it was there and what it was helping me to heal. All during a commercial break.
And until next time friends, stay curious!
You Might Enjoy
- The Illusion of Safety Through Control: Learning to Surrender to Life
- Transmuting Judgment of the Body into Gratitude
- A Powerful Lesson Hidden in a Few Bumps and Bruises
- Transmuting Judgment: From Expectation to Compassion
Creative Offering:
If these words serve you, let them fly.
If you teach from them, may they bloom again.
Credit is kind. Integrity is everything.
Blair is a registered dietitian, certified intuitive eating counselor, E-500 RYT and Reiki Master. She integrates spirituality with modern day science to help people heal and reclaim their relationship with their body and food.
Disclaimer:
These are my current musings. This content is intended for informational and inspirational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or therapeutic advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the support of a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional regarding any concerns or conditions.